Do People Know When They Are Crazy?

What the heck am I doing?

Any sane woman who spent that many years in constant child-rearing would take the first few weeks of school as a long awaited break. There are no weekends or time-off when kids are around and you are Mom, so those few precious hours could be enjoyed doing a crafty thing, having a nice lunch date with girlfriends, or knocking off Pinterest items that the kids come home too.

But me, I'm out sweating my rear off, freshly wasp stung through my breeches, trying to see if my horse could potentially show in a few weeks.

I'd hoped that Czech would be fresh and happy to work this morning after a weekend off, I was wrong. As we came around our third circle at the canter and he began to buck, I wondered what exactly was wrong in my head that made me want this life so much. Is it a mental health issue? Do I have some sort of reason I want to punish myself?

I prepared to ask for the canter for the fourth time stretching out my screaming muscles around the L1 and L2 vertebrae that have permanent damage from my accident, attempting a proper position. Deep breath, loosen the back, hold on as he starts to buck. I am too old for this mess. Maybe I'm too broken for it.

I remember that I'm in this for the horses and the teamwork we share, Bandon was especially good on his groundwork with a bridle on today, and other than the bucking Czech was pretty good too.

Still when my back is alternating screaming at me and going numb, I toy with the idea of hanging-up my jump saddle, grabbing some western tack complete with beer-toting saddlepad, and cut my losses.

Then I see my boys gleaming in the end of day sun, capable of so much, I can't stop now. The potential wasted would be devastating to me and way more painful than any old injury. I take the rainbows that have shown up here, there were three just last week, as a sign that I'm on the right path. We'll try again tomorrow, hopefully with less bucking and more harmony, I do love these boys...