Courage

Fear : verb, to be afraid of someone or something as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Courage : noun, the ability to do something that frightens one

I sat on Bandon's back as he weaved left to right at the arena rail watching the rider after us go through her course. As they came around a turn to a jump too fast and too close, the horse dodged and the rider flew over his shoulder and head first into the solid wood jump standard.

She was okay. Shaken badly, but could walk.

We were done with our courses for the day and I asked if I could go on back in and jump again, just once, as I felt the fear start to creep into me too.

If you talk to many riders over the age of 18, you'll begin to hear a common thread of lost nerves. I used to do... but now I just...

I'm guilty of that myself because I'll never jump cross country again. There is zero fun for me in that sport after my fall and I don't miss it at all. But if fear stands in the way of something you do love, something that makes you feel alive, how do you get rid of it?

Maybe the answer is, you don't. The fear is there and you use it to be smart, then go do it anyway.

On the way home from that show I thought back to a time when I could remember the invincible feeling of teendom. In those years I worked at Carnivore Preservation Trust in North Carolina under biologist Michael Bleyman.

Ocelot eating my oh-so-cool Keds

I worked with tigers and frequently went in enclosures with them. Fine print : I do not recommend that to anyone and yes I've seen Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet. At the time it's what we did. We worked with them handling on a routine basis so that for minor needs they didn't have to be sedated.

Hanging out with a very young Shalimar

Michael brought me in my first enclosure and the tiger surprised us and made a move on me within minutes. I countered and everything went as smooth as could be from there on. I had absolutely no fear, I knew what to do, and it never once occurred to me that I should be scared.

Then one day, we had to go into a large enclosure (3 acres) to clean some shredded toys out. There were three tigers in there, Hall, Shalimar, and Isabella. I knew them all, I had worked with them all. I even bottle fed one when she was little. Hall was the biggest tiger in that enclosure and  he was also the sweetest.

Michael with Hall, Izzy, and Shalimar, pic taken by my Grandfather on a visit

One rule was that you never let yourself get too close to the fence. As we worked to get the toys out without turning our backs to any tiger, Hall approached me. I stood with a safe distance between me and the fence behind me. He kept his expression soft as he chuffled and walked over, I turned so that we were perpendicular like I had been taught. Hall stopped and stood for a second. Then he shifted his weight and I was pinned against the fence.

Real fear crept through me for the first time like poison, it was completely tangible in every possible way.

I could not move until he allowed me to. There wasn't any negotiating or way out. It was up to him. He looked back over his shoulder at me while his ribs held the push against my legs. I stayed silent, trying not to show him I was afraid, and he decided to walk on.

There were many tigers I went in with after that day, including Hall. But I knew then that I wasn't ever really the one in charge of the outcome, only that I could make the odds better.

This face means you need to get tall and start moving towards her to diffuse it

Experiences like that open your eyes to your own mortality and can shut you down. After many of those triggers over the years, some people begin to live in a little safe box out of what has accumulated. Fear becomes a series of stop signs instead of an ignition to push you on.

As Bandon and I came back in to jump again, I knew the risks. I knew what a bad fall could result in. I also knew that my horse would do everything in his power to take care of me and that I had taken every precaution to make the odds as in our favor as they could be.  It wasn't guaranteed to be okay but it was guaranteed to bring me the high that life is for.

Courage isn't what the teenagers out there hurling themselves over any obstacle have any more than bravery is what I had before the incident with Hall. Courage is knowing the fear and carrying on in spite of it.

"Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold" Helen Keller